Let's try this again.

I'm starting this thing over. So this is me. And these are a few things I love. I just turned 22... hence the giant cookie.

One of my favorite humans alive, Mr. Eric Sewing as a child model. Yes, my children will be forced into photoshoots like this one.

Documentary of documentaries. Spellbound.

my boy, Robby.

Not real.

Dad.

I lead worship with some great people at the most amazing youth camp in the nation, YFN.

This is my life. These are silly/real pictures. Maybe I'll get better at this.

Like Being Born Again

The Lord takes us on journeys.  Journeys to places that may seem familiar, but somehow always end differently than expected. Journeys to places we have never seen before, but in the end are almost comforting. Journeys always include the unexpected, much like the Lord.

I'm not really sure what He's doing all the time, in fact, I don't ever really understand it. Because everything is a journey, everywhere He takes us is a journey... every move we make in Him is something new and exciting. Every time we listen... every time we speak the word of God... every time we open up the Bible and read something through new eyes.... its a journey.

This shows the importance of really listening when He speaks. For if we fail to listen, we run the risk of  loosing track. Of loosing our way... far from Him. I can't do that. I won't do that. Its not an option.

it's all in your head

the truth is, I have to wake up every morning remembering to rely on the Lord and not on myself.

sometimes I wish it were easier.

I'm going to make everything in my life about Him. I need to be in love with Him, and only Him. 

I tried to write a little more on this one, but I couldn't. I have alot on my mind but I'm really not trying to focus on it, I've given it to the Lord! 

as for writing this blog... uhh better luck next time?

lovesick

so to be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about the term "lovesick" in reference to anyone other than the Lord. not saying I don't think its possible... I guess I'm just kind of unwilling right now to be super vulnerable. because I really think I do know what it means... and I guess thats scary.

The Lord has been so good to me. Really just bringing wisdom to me... not that I know it all, I don't, thats the thing... but He's been maturing me alot. its a hard process.

"All the other lovers fade away"

He's watching over me right now, being super gentle with me I feel like... because He hurts like I hurt. He knows what I'm going through, and He knows right now I just need Him. and He's here. always.

I'm really going through such a weird season, kind of learning to trust God again. because honestly, I kind of felt like He dragged me under a bus, when I know He didn't! my heart knows His intentions for me are always good, and I know there are lessons I need to learn from this... and I'm in the process of learning.  its just that I felt so prepared... so ready... so willing to listen to His words... and that He let me put myself in this situation. because I sought Him I sought Him I sought Him! it should be easy since I wanted His will, right?

I don't know.

so needless to say, I'm remembering who He is right now. really. and that His intentions for me are pure and lovely. and that I have no idea whats really going on right now because only He sees the big picture.

Jesus, I want to cling to you. like a daughter to her father. like a wife to her loving husband.

mystery

He loves to speak to us. To be the little faint whisper in the back of our minds, or to be the booming voice overshadowing everything else. Sometimes its easier when He's the booming voice... and thats very rare.

I'm now aware I'm not a child. Im not a teenager, I'm an adult. And I'm growing. I don't think we ever stop growing, as long as we allow the Lord to shift us and change us and shape us into the person He has called us to be, we're constantly changing. We should be constantly realizing our flaws and trying to change them; not in a negative way, but in a way of refining. Yes, at times its frustrating because we feel like we'll never be good enough... and in all honesty we won't ever be good enough... but the funny thing is, He just wants all of us, and then we're good enough for Him. So yes, I will always have my flaws, and I will always be trying to fix them... but as long as I've given myself to Him... He delights in me. Its so funny... I might not be good enough for my own standards... but I'm good enough for His. That sounds weird. Not that He has low standards, He just knows us better than we know ourselves. And when we mess up, or when we find a flaw in ourselves He's like "yeah, I've known that was there all along... I just showed it to you now for the purpose of you coming to Me, and resting in my arms instead of resting in your own strength."

Thats the beautiful image of the Father... rather than receiving a spanking every time we mess up, receiving mercy instead. And being in His embrace, staying there. Not getting up too quickly, not leaving Him when its convenient for us, but remaining with Him.

He's so good. :)

Up

so the past week and a half has been so hard. really. but the Lord is always faithful. always. even when my faith seemed to be decreasing.

He's been teaching me a lot lately. For my whole life, I have never really been a leader, I have had people lead me and tell me what to do. I never had the responsibility, partly I believe because I wasn't ready. Now I am. The Lord has been showing me that its my responsibility to be that person. To be the one that disciples. To really be the one that influences. So with this new responsibility, comes new requirements. And I'm totally okay with that, I just want to get closer and closer to Him. Not to say its easy, it hasn't been easy at all so far... but I feel His grace in my life like never before. 

I've already had to give some stuff up, but it was just fleshly stuff that my eyes were blinded to in the first place. I guess you could say I'm in the process of getting al this wickedness out of my heart. All those mean thoughts, I'm slowly becoming more and more aware of what is of the Lord and whats not.

I'm growing up I guess.

Me and Jill went to the Holocaust museum yesterday; its in the process of moving into a new building so it wasn't so huge and impressive, but it was so good and moving. I felt so insignificant and guilty. There was a quote that said something like "Evil doesn't happen because the evil people make it happen, it happens because none of the good people do anything about it." It was something like that...I don't remember exactly. But dang.

draw me away

God, I pray that through everything in my life, you would be glorified. That I do not need to strive to please these sons of man but only desire to please Your heart. God that You would grant me with your supernatural strength and wisdom to keep going and not loose heart. All I need is You. You have set everything out for me with a purpose in mind and You aren't leading me aimlessly! You are so good!!!! You have the best just waiting for me and You know my heart, You know whats going on in my head, You know my pain, You know exactly who I am and therefore you know exactly how I respond to every situation I am in. I have no need to fear. No need to get anxious, no need to be stressed. No need to worry.

But its hard.