big machine

I have no idea what He's doing right now... no idea. and I'm going crazy.
I really had no clue it would be like this... ever. this wasn't expected... at all.
theres so much going on around me... but I feel like everything is passing me by while I'm in a standstill. I'm just watching.

it was never supposed to be like this. was it?

Really Christmas

I hope as I write this I find everyone in good spirits because of the holiday season... it's Christmas Eve tomorrow, after all.
I find that getting stressed about everything on my mind doesn't help at all; so its all the Lords! yep, all of it. even the fact that my phone is completely spazzing right now... yep, its His!
even though I keep having to give it to Him every day... rather than once and for all. man... well, at leats I'm trying. He loves me just the same.
this acid reflux is really kicking my butt... I've been sick the past few days. maybe I should actually stop eating acid-y foods... hmm... what a concept.
I miss everyone in Dallas... and I actually miss Dallas! but home actually isn't too bad; I'm more content now then ever before with just relaxing... after all, my parents have a Wii now so its Super Mario Galaxy all the way!
I'm going running tomorrow... just thought I would remind myself by actually putting it on here so I won't "forget".
I want to sing. loud. but I'll be content to dancing to the Jo Bros. yeah... I just said that.
I'm not sure exactly what else I want to say except that I'm so thankful for all that the Lord ahs given me, He is so good. so loving, so pure! so righteous, so gracefull, so beautiful! He's everything good and He sings over me every morning when I wake :) thats so awesome to know!
me and Ashlee watched the Nativity tonight... it was beautiful. all that for a child... for a Saviour. its so worth it!

Home

Home.

when you leave, its always hard to go back.

and its even harder when you've established another home elsewhere.

then... well, then its just your parents house.

this is where I am right now. sitting in my room.. in my parents house in North Carolina. wanting to go back to Texas. funny thing.

these next three weeks are going to be the hardest three weeks I've had since... well, I was home last. I'm stating it right here right now... declaring to all of the blogging world... that I am never coming back to North Carolina for over a week every again. sorry mom and dad. love ya.

the funny thing is there are so many songs I could listen to right now to make me even more depressed, but I'm listening to worship music.. so I don't get depressed. its working.

I need Him. every day. every minute. when I'm sleeping. when I'm sitting in my room blogging on the internet that shouldn't be working. and that just stopped working.

I need Him. my Savior. the One I love, who loves me back. the One who cares about me. the One who brought real people into my life that care about me as well.

the One who saved my soul from hell. because technically... thats where I belong. so do you.

He's great!

do you need more evidence? okay, got it for ya.

so those 20 songs due to PJC... yeah, they're done. recording scratch tracks and all. lyric sheets and chord charts... everything. the Lord is so faithful!!! He just gave us all these songs the last few days even... and I can see that He has His own plan for this cd project... which I'm all for. Praise Him!

Christmas in Texas

I'm obviously not at school right now. 

It snowed last night.

And I buy lame Christmas presents.

just a few facts I thought I'd share.

so the African Childrens Choir came to lecture the other day... and I cried. it was honestly one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. thats really all I can say about that. other than, I'm going to Africa one day soon... or me and Mike are going to travel with them for 15 months and read them bedtime stories... its true! you can actually do that.

the Lord is so good. He's so good even when you feel like you can't hear Him.. even when you feel like He is silent, and He may be silent. but He always knows whats good for you and He always knows whats going on even when you don't have a clue. I love that. but at the same time honestly, I just want to be in the loop.. I want to know whats going through His mind. but really we all want to know that.

on Sunday at church the little children sang a song called "Christmas in Texas".

I just want to point out that there is no song called "Christmas in North Carolina"

only in Texas...

so I just took two of the easiest exams that I've taken in a while.

Intro to music I almost had an anxiety attack for some reason though... I think it was so easy that I started psyching myself out though.. and I had my head in my hands and was breathing heavily. haha

after I finished early, me, Cameron and Ashley went to the gas station to get coffee.. however, I was the only one who got coffee. and we proceeded with sitting in my car listening to Coldplay while studying for more not-real exams.

Christian Counseling- I'm just going to say one thing. all the words in the word bank were in the order of the answers.

joke??

so it's been pretty hard to keep my eyes on the Lord these past two days... I've been trying though! its so dumb because my mind just goes everywhere and then I'm like no! I'm only supposed to be focused on Him! thats all I want, He's all I need... :)

listening to Taylor Swift doesn't help. she's such a silly girl, how many people has she been in love with?!  13... the number of tracks on her cd.

I love that I have such talented friends; because I just listen to their stuff and basically nothing else all the time. other than Taylor Swift.

oh no! I have to stop that..

last night me, Manny, Carlos and Eric were watching Cloverfield... I hate that movie. I get so sick. I had my head under the blankets the whole time basically... so I wouldn't throw up. I left early too, I couldn't handle it. we went with Aamie and Jamie to eat Razoos earlier that night... not a good idea for me considering its Cajun food and technically off limits for me... but I took my medicine so it wasn't too bad.

I'm going to go back to class. 

THE AFRICAN CHILDREN'S CHOIR IS HERE! I'm so excited!!

Love Story and Tattoos

I'm listening to Taylor Swift. how embarrassing!

and I was dancing with my roommates. I love Victoria.

so today Mike Massa talked about tattoos. I really respect him, so I actually listened to what he had to say. i guess i knew that tattoos originated from pagan practices already... but me and Jill were talking about it and honestly theres so much that we do today that stems from pagan practices. Like shaving your head... trimming your beard... the steeples on churches... gauging your ears... just a few examples. 

"we were born and bred in Babylon"

the thing is we have been living in this society where the Levitical law is broken every day, and its just normal to EVERYONE. 

Jill and I decided that it just stems down to a heart issue. you need to make sure you know what your doing when you go get a tattoo; you need to make sure you know WHO is marking your body... because otherwise your opening the door to so much junk... like, when I get my tattoo, I'm going to go to one of the guys at DBC. and we'll pray together over my tattoo and prepare myself for being forever marked for the Lord. because... I'm not getting a tattoo because it looks cool.

does that make any sense? I don't know... thats just how I feel.

because Mike Massa made me think. really. and I wasn't going to just shut him out because I know he is a man of God and I'm glad that I actually have a class I learn something in every time.

theres a billion crazy girls in my room right now. like.. really crazy. Karolina is teaching us Polish... it sounds like speaking in tongues.

its because she's international.

haha... 

anywho... I've had a hard time being nice lately! and I'm not happy with myself about it. I don't know whats happened to me! I had a little sarcasm fight with someone the other day... and felt awful afterwards. I still haven't seen him to apologize. tomorrow it is.

I'm going to check out now. I need to clean my apartment.

see ya.

so on Monday I was starting to get pretty discouraged about having 20 original songs due to PJC before we all get out on break... (which is the 12th...) 

we had a tone of fast songs, but worship songs were harder to come by seeing as really the only one we had was written by me and Monika... and now everyone expected me to puke out all these amazingly powerful love ballads to the Lord when I had nothing...

but honestly, yesterday and today, the Lord has just given me so much! I mean, I wrote two songs yesterday... or basically two ideas. and Monika has been flooded with them as well. In our 3 hour band practice today; we successfully wrote 3 full songs that are good enough the make it on the recording.

the Lord gave me lyrics during worship in chapel yesterday morning, and then today during practice He gave me a really awesome melody to go with it! me, Kristian and Aaron spent some time working out some kinks but... its so from the Lord so its going to be awesome!

its like an indie worship song... haha... but really. very unique.

its just that... I really feel confident in the Lord right now. and its been so hard for me this past semester to just see all the good God has given me because it has seemed like the bad has out-shined the good, but thats just no the case. yeah, life isn't perfect... but God is. and as long as I stick with Him, He'll take me far :)

I do know that this means I'll be dealing with some stuff again soon... but I'm okay with that. Because your always purified when you come out of the flames. 

flames= home for Christmas break

.............

and another thing.... mind games. the games my mind plays on me never seem to stop! and I'm constantly trying to convince myself that its not true... but, I don't succeed most of the time. this is why I'm crazy. 

I cant thank You enough

wow... it seems lately I've been writing alot... but really not about anything that matters much.

where has the Lord been these past few days? its like I've put Him in the back of my mind while trying to convince myself I wasn't doing that at all...

and the truth is... He's just waiting on me. as usual. to stop being a jerk.

I love that no matter how many times I have heard the song A Little Longer by Brian and Jenn Johnson... it never gets old. ever. because I feel like it displays the heart of the Father so well.... He just wants my attention, He just wants me close to Him. after all, He is jealous for me. I don't think that reality has actually hit me yet...

"You don't have to do a thing, just simply be with Me and let those things go, they can wait another minute. Wait, this moment is too sweet, would you please stay here with Me and love on Me a little longer because I'm in love with you."

daaannnggg.... thats what He wants from me! oh how I want to love on Him a little longer... He's so intimate!

geez... man I love Him sooooo much!!!! He is sooo good!!!! I'm probably going to start dancing around my apartment right now... but honestly I'm scared Victoria and the gang (Kristina and Karolina) will come in and catch me.... I look funny enough as it is.

I have made a commitment. that I will sing throughout it all... that I will give thanks to You no matter what happens. no matter what happens!! I will rely on You instead of relying on all my anxieties... goodbye acid reflux!! haha... but really! You are my joy!! my song!! my lover!!

He's good :)

Purple Toes

I guess I'll take this time to tell you about my Thanksgiving. Me and Lori made delicious food and all the boys ate it up. We watched Seth play guitar hero and gears of war... the loads of blood and all. what a nice thing to be thankful for.

I also went and saw the movie "Australia" with some friends and enjoyed it very much, no matter how long it was.

Tonight I painted my toenails purple. and I can't stop looking at them... because I hate them so much. but I'm trying to see how long I can stand it...

I don't really have much to say, even though I have a lot on my mind. I don't really want to share it I guess...sorry about that. don't feel too depressed.

Callahan

I feel like every bad guy... or big guys company in movies is named Callahan.

Like in Tommy Boy. which I am watching right now.

I'm at Cliffs apartment right now. I went to work tonight at 6 and left by 6:15... because they told me they didn't need me since we were so slow all day today. how lame is that?? I needed money!!

Cliff's a loser. he just came out of his room with a silly hat on. I, however, am wearing an awesome hat.

i just noticed that Zach has a tattoo that says "Southern by the grace of God".... wow.

thats funny.

Cliffs a tool. he just stole my car keys. and tried to close my computer. how immature!

just saying.

my stomach hurts.

cliff just told me  i sound like a 2 year old.

Vespa

Today me and Mike Bond walked to headquarters to pick up a very very important package. You must understand that this package was of utter importance and could destroy life as we know it if stolen and damaged. It was a very challenging task, but we succeeded in bringing it back to the YFN offices safely. Sure there were a few lives lost, but nothing compared to the tragedy that would have been if those who stood in our way got their hands on our documents/cash. 

Vespa and Richard= world famous CIA agents ready to save the world.

"Just call me fast hands!"

I said that. To Mike. We were whispering pretty much the whole time we were handling the important package; and we quickly realized that some of our funny statements sound very strange when uttered in a whisper. Such as...

"I like that in a lady"

"We can do that now!"

"Just call me fast hands"

.... just not appropriate.

We went to eat at Tops Cafe for Juddson's birthday today... I wasn't yelled out when I went to pay, so that was good. I enjoyed my BLT very much thank you.

I'll probably write more later. I just like to think that I'm witty.

red hoodies

I want to start off by saying that the Lord convicted me today. I'm sorry Shira!!

So last week, at least three days out of the week me and Aaron Allen matched. Like, we wore the same clothes... basically. This just proves our theory that we share the same father... we're onto you John! We both wore button down white dress shirts one day, the next day we both wore our red hoodies, and then even yesterday he wore black chords, I wore olive green chords, he wore an olive green sweatshirt, and I wore a black jacket. Funny how that happens.

I'm getting more and more convinced we are the same person... but no technically "morphing into one". no, no that is definitely not happening.

Today me and Lori are going to go to Tom Thumb and buy groceries for Thanksgiving. Am I a housewife? No, not yet...

But I have to go now. I'm off to the Hotel California.

Tat me up

Shira Sorko Ram spoke at lecture today. All I'm going to say is... I'm very glad the Lord loves me. That He loves every part of me. And you too. And that He doesn't have a problem with tattoos... annnddd that He isn't religious. or boring. done and done.

So... Tat me up Jesus, I'm yours.

Last night me and Jill were laying in her bed reading Blue Like Jazz aloud to each other when we looked up at the bottom of the top bunk above her and saw in the right hand corner "Fairchild waz here".  Now, you must understand that the print looked like that of a mentally handicapped five year old. Needless to say, me and Jill now yell out "FAIRCHILD!" in a manly voice to get a kick out of it. its pretty funny.

FAIRCHILD!

Yesterday was good. I went to two different churches. Both amazing services. I saw three homeless broken men give their hearts to the Lord, another older man balling his eyes out as he dove prostrate on the ground in reverence to my Saviour, and two people baptized in the parking lot of a strip mall with jugs of water. Take that Shira Sorko Ram.

I made a few new friends yesterday. One, I made, then lost, then I think made again. Long awkward story... not getting into that right now!

Today I got that dizzy feeling I get often.. the one where I almost fall over... yeah, that one. While doing worship in my counseling class. I had to hold onto the piano so I wouldn't topple over. So I drank some water.

Yeah, thats all.

Text

Text?

I really only named this blog "Text" because as I was thinking for a name, I received a text message. I haven't checked it yet. I'm burning inside with curiosity.

I also just spit some coffee on my jeans. Nice one!

Today was YFN day in school; meaning Reg did worship in the morning. I've been seeking the Lord pretty hard the past week (which I should have been doing all along) and so I was looking forward to this time of worship to Him with my peers... but I honestly feel like we missed out on so much. I feel like the Lord wanted to do so much more this morning in worship but we put the reigns on Him. 

I wish things were different. I wish things were genuine.

I've got alot on my mind! Oh gosh, so much. But really its just me growing up and learning to listen to God. I want what He wants... and I'm not going to make it harder for myself anymore.

I feel like maybe this doesn't make much sense.

Oh well.

Go to Youtube and search "Balloon Shop".. you won't be disappointed.

Today Aaron Allen grabbed my leg.... because he fell. ha

Today I found out some guy I don't really know wrote a song about me.

Today I saw Zach Shea dance. And enjoyed it.

Today I walked with the Lord.

Today I ate in the cafeteria and felt sick.

Today I spit coffee all over myself.

Today me and Jill matched.

Toilet Paper

Today in lecture we had a toilet paper fight.

I enjoyed it very much; mainly because Petra was playing in the background. Beautiful music to my ears.

I also managed to grab a full roll and stick it in my bag; seeing as we were out of toilet paper at my apartment. I'm always thinking.

Then there was the leadership lunch/meeting. Always a treat. Ashley made us all laugh without meaning to as usual... however, she didn't cry this time. Thats a relief.

Now I'm going to ride bikes with a couple funny guys.

This should be interesting.. I'm always scared I'm going to fall and skin my knee... how embarrassing! 

But really, the reason I'm writing this blog right now is because of the Lord. He's teaching me to listen... really listen, because I feel like I can't hear Him in my current situation. And in my honest opinion, I think I'm doing a good job handling it and reaching out for Him while not knowing exactly whats going on. But I'm doing the best I can to really be careful and assess the situation as He wants me to. 

I've learned that its not enough to just spend certain times with Him throughout my day, I have to spend the whole day with Him... even when I'm in the middle of a toilet paper fight. Even when I'm at Walmart... even when I'm sitting her waiting to bid on a pair of boots on Ebay.

It's true. I hate those bidders who wait till the last second to bid... because I don't have all the time in the world to just sit at the computer all day.

But anyways... thats about it. God is so good to me. And to you. I'm glad He's my everything.

Today

Today I feel as though the Lord is waiting for me. He's been waiting for me to actually make time for Him. Every day. Three times a week doesn't cut it; I need Him every day. For everything He's done for me?? 

And... honestly, because I feel guilty, I avoid spending time with Him... even though I know it will make me feel so much better about my life. And even though I know He still loves me the same.  He's just waiting for me to be faithful.

I've realized that this whole growing up thing I'm doing is hard. Anyone who's having an easy time with it, please talk to me because I would love to hear about your experiences. I'm becoming who I'm supposed to be.. I'm reaching out into my destiny every day without even realizing it. Even with the mistakes I make; the things I say that I shouldn't, the places I go; the people I interact with... it's all apart of this larger scale... and I have no idea what the Lord is doing with it all. Things are starting to get serious.

It's just an adventure I suppose.

A few weeks ago, a former employee of my work came to our Halloween party. She may have been drunk but... she told me I changed her life. And that I'm an incredible person. How I changed her life? By telling her to listen to Coldplay... I told her it would change her life! There's more to the story but.. honestly, it just goes to show that the Lord is always doing something... even when you feel like your being useless and like what your trying to do for the Kingdom isn't working. Because at my work I have come into all sorts of persecution. Thats right, persecution; the Lord told me it was legit for me to use that word. HA! but really.. He did. And I've been wanting to quit because its so hard to deal with people who hate you and mock you just because your Christian. It's not a good environment for one to stay sane in, and I've been waiting for the Lord to release me from there. But He hasn't. And I know I just can't quit now.. when it gets hard. And He's starting to show me some effects of my working in such a place.. He has used me in the lives of three people. Three people I work with who may not have even given God another thought but because I'm the "Christian good girl hostess", they have. It's still hard, the snide remarks still come every time I walk in the door... but at least now I know that something is coming out of my faithfulness in this area.

This blog is long enough. Maybe someone will read it... maybe not. It's fine.. I just needed to write it.

Love