big machine

I have no idea what He's doing right now... no idea. and I'm going crazy.
I really had no clue it would be like this... ever. this wasn't expected... at all.
theres so much going on around me... but I feel like everything is passing me by while I'm in a standstill. I'm just watching.

it was never supposed to be like this. was it?

Really Christmas

I hope as I write this I find everyone in good spirits because of the holiday season... it's Christmas Eve tomorrow, after all.
I find that getting stressed about everything on my mind doesn't help at all; so its all the Lords! yep, all of it. even the fact that my phone is completely spazzing right now... yep, its His!
even though I keep having to give it to Him every day... rather than once and for all. man... well, at leats I'm trying. He loves me just the same.
this acid reflux is really kicking my butt... I've been sick the past few days. maybe I should actually stop eating acid-y foods... hmm... what a concept.
I miss everyone in Dallas... and I actually miss Dallas! but home actually isn't too bad; I'm more content now then ever before with just relaxing... after all, my parents have a Wii now so its Super Mario Galaxy all the way!
I'm going running tomorrow... just thought I would remind myself by actually putting it on here so I won't "forget".
I want to sing. loud. but I'll be content to dancing to the Jo Bros. yeah... I just said that.
I'm not sure exactly what else I want to say except that I'm so thankful for all that the Lord ahs given me, He is so good. so loving, so pure! so righteous, so gracefull, so beautiful! He's everything good and He sings over me every morning when I wake :) thats so awesome to know!
me and Ashlee watched the Nativity tonight... it was beautiful. all that for a child... for a Saviour. its so worth it!

Home

Home.

when you leave, its always hard to go back.

and its even harder when you've established another home elsewhere.

then... well, then its just your parents house.

this is where I am right now. sitting in my room.. in my parents house in North Carolina. wanting to go back to Texas. funny thing.

these next three weeks are going to be the hardest three weeks I've had since... well, I was home last. I'm stating it right here right now... declaring to all of the blogging world... that I am never coming back to North Carolina for over a week every again. sorry mom and dad. love ya.

the funny thing is there are so many songs I could listen to right now to make me even more depressed, but I'm listening to worship music.. so I don't get depressed. its working.

I need Him. every day. every minute. when I'm sleeping. when I'm sitting in my room blogging on the internet that shouldn't be working. and that just stopped working.

I need Him. my Savior. the One I love, who loves me back. the One who cares about me. the One who brought real people into my life that care about me as well.

the One who saved my soul from hell. because technically... thats where I belong. so do you.

He's great!

do you need more evidence? okay, got it for ya.

so those 20 songs due to PJC... yeah, they're done. recording scratch tracks and all. lyric sheets and chord charts... everything. the Lord is so faithful!!! He just gave us all these songs the last few days even... and I can see that He has His own plan for this cd project... which I'm all for. Praise Him!

Christmas in Texas

I'm obviously not at school right now. 

It snowed last night.

And I buy lame Christmas presents.

just a few facts I thought I'd share.

so the African Childrens Choir came to lecture the other day... and I cried. it was honestly one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. thats really all I can say about that. other than, I'm going to Africa one day soon... or me and Mike are going to travel with them for 15 months and read them bedtime stories... its true! you can actually do that.

the Lord is so good. He's so good even when you feel like you can't hear Him.. even when you feel like He is silent, and He may be silent. but He always knows whats good for you and He always knows whats going on even when you don't have a clue. I love that. but at the same time honestly, I just want to be in the loop.. I want to know whats going through His mind. but really we all want to know that.

on Sunday at church the little children sang a song called "Christmas in Texas".

I just want to point out that there is no song called "Christmas in North Carolina"

only in Texas...

so I just took two of the easiest exams that I've taken in a while.

Intro to music I almost had an anxiety attack for some reason though... I think it was so easy that I started psyching myself out though.. and I had my head in my hands and was breathing heavily. haha

after I finished early, me, Cameron and Ashley went to the gas station to get coffee.. however, I was the only one who got coffee. and we proceeded with sitting in my car listening to Coldplay while studying for more not-real exams.

Christian Counseling- I'm just going to say one thing. all the words in the word bank were in the order of the answers.

joke??

so it's been pretty hard to keep my eyes on the Lord these past two days... I've been trying though! its so dumb because my mind just goes everywhere and then I'm like no! I'm only supposed to be focused on Him! thats all I want, He's all I need... :)

listening to Taylor Swift doesn't help. she's such a silly girl, how many people has she been in love with?!  13... the number of tracks on her cd.

I love that I have such talented friends; because I just listen to their stuff and basically nothing else all the time. other than Taylor Swift.

oh no! I have to stop that..

last night me, Manny, Carlos and Eric were watching Cloverfield... I hate that movie. I get so sick. I had my head under the blankets the whole time basically... so I wouldn't throw up. I left early too, I couldn't handle it. we went with Aamie and Jamie to eat Razoos earlier that night... not a good idea for me considering its Cajun food and technically off limits for me... but I took my medicine so it wasn't too bad.

I'm going to go back to class. 

THE AFRICAN CHILDREN'S CHOIR IS HERE! I'm so excited!!

Love Story and Tattoos

I'm listening to Taylor Swift. how embarrassing!

and I was dancing with my roommates. I love Victoria.

so today Mike Massa talked about tattoos. I really respect him, so I actually listened to what he had to say. i guess i knew that tattoos originated from pagan practices already... but me and Jill were talking about it and honestly theres so much that we do today that stems from pagan practices. Like shaving your head... trimming your beard... the steeples on churches... gauging your ears... just a few examples. 

"we were born and bred in Babylon"

the thing is we have been living in this society where the Levitical law is broken every day, and its just normal to EVERYONE. 

Jill and I decided that it just stems down to a heart issue. you need to make sure you know what your doing when you go get a tattoo; you need to make sure you know WHO is marking your body... because otherwise your opening the door to so much junk... like, when I get my tattoo, I'm going to go to one of the guys at DBC. and we'll pray together over my tattoo and prepare myself for being forever marked for the Lord. because... I'm not getting a tattoo because it looks cool.

does that make any sense? I don't know... thats just how I feel.

because Mike Massa made me think. really. and I wasn't going to just shut him out because I know he is a man of God and I'm glad that I actually have a class I learn something in every time.

theres a billion crazy girls in my room right now. like.. really crazy. Karolina is teaching us Polish... it sounds like speaking in tongues.

its because she's international.

haha... 

anywho... I've had a hard time being nice lately! and I'm not happy with myself about it. I don't know whats happened to me! I had a little sarcasm fight with someone the other day... and felt awful afterwards. I still haven't seen him to apologize. tomorrow it is.

I'm going to check out now. I need to clean my apartment.

see ya.

so on Monday I was starting to get pretty discouraged about having 20 original songs due to PJC before we all get out on break... (which is the 12th...) 

we had a tone of fast songs, but worship songs were harder to come by seeing as really the only one we had was written by me and Monika... and now everyone expected me to puke out all these amazingly powerful love ballads to the Lord when I had nothing...

but honestly, yesterday and today, the Lord has just given me so much! I mean, I wrote two songs yesterday... or basically two ideas. and Monika has been flooded with them as well. In our 3 hour band practice today; we successfully wrote 3 full songs that are good enough the make it on the recording.

the Lord gave me lyrics during worship in chapel yesterday morning, and then today during practice He gave me a really awesome melody to go with it! me, Kristian and Aaron spent some time working out some kinks but... its so from the Lord so its going to be awesome!

its like an indie worship song... haha... but really. very unique.

its just that... I really feel confident in the Lord right now. and its been so hard for me this past semester to just see all the good God has given me because it has seemed like the bad has out-shined the good, but thats just no the case. yeah, life isn't perfect... but God is. and as long as I stick with Him, He'll take me far :)

I do know that this means I'll be dealing with some stuff again soon... but I'm okay with that. Because your always purified when you come out of the flames. 

flames= home for Christmas break

.............

and another thing.... mind games. the games my mind plays on me never seem to stop! and I'm constantly trying to convince myself that its not true... but, I don't succeed most of the time. this is why I'm crazy.