Like Being Born Again

The Lord takes us on journeys.  Journeys to places that may seem familiar, but somehow always end differently than expected. Journeys to places we have never seen before, but in the end are almost comforting. Journeys always include the unexpected, much like the Lord.

I'm not really sure what He's doing all the time, in fact, I don't ever really understand it. Because everything is a journey, everywhere He takes us is a journey... every move we make in Him is something new and exciting. Every time we listen... every time we speak the word of God... every time we open up the Bible and read something through new eyes.... its a journey.

This shows the importance of really listening when He speaks. For if we fail to listen, we run the risk of  loosing track. Of loosing our way... far from Him. I can't do that. I won't do that. Its not an option.

it's all in your head

the truth is, I have to wake up every morning remembering to rely on the Lord and not on myself.

sometimes I wish it were easier.

I'm going to make everything in my life about Him. I need to be in love with Him, and only Him. 

I tried to write a little more on this one, but I couldn't. I have alot on my mind but I'm really not trying to focus on it, I've given it to the Lord! 

as for writing this blog... uhh better luck next time?

lovesick

so to be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about the term "lovesick" in reference to anyone other than the Lord. not saying I don't think its possible... I guess I'm just kind of unwilling right now to be super vulnerable. because I really think I do know what it means... and I guess thats scary.

The Lord has been so good to me. Really just bringing wisdom to me... not that I know it all, I don't, thats the thing... but He's been maturing me alot. its a hard process.

"All the other lovers fade away"

He's watching over me right now, being super gentle with me I feel like... because He hurts like I hurt. He knows what I'm going through, and He knows right now I just need Him. and He's here. always.

I'm really going through such a weird season, kind of learning to trust God again. because honestly, I kind of felt like He dragged me under a bus, when I know He didn't! my heart knows His intentions for me are always good, and I know there are lessons I need to learn from this... and I'm in the process of learning.  its just that I felt so prepared... so ready... so willing to listen to His words... and that He let me put myself in this situation. because I sought Him I sought Him I sought Him! it should be easy since I wanted His will, right?

I don't know.

so needless to say, I'm remembering who He is right now. really. and that His intentions for me are pure and lovely. and that I have no idea whats really going on right now because only He sees the big picture.

Jesus, I want to cling to you. like a daughter to her father. like a wife to her loving husband.

mystery

He loves to speak to us. To be the little faint whisper in the back of our minds, or to be the booming voice overshadowing everything else. Sometimes its easier when He's the booming voice... and thats very rare.

I'm now aware I'm not a child. Im not a teenager, I'm an adult. And I'm growing. I don't think we ever stop growing, as long as we allow the Lord to shift us and change us and shape us into the person He has called us to be, we're constantly changing. We should be constantly realizing our flaws and trying to change them; not in a negative way, but in a way of refining. Yes, at times its frustrating because we feel like we'll never be good enough... and in all honesty we won't ever be good enough... but the funny thing is, He just wants all of us, and then we're good enough for Him. So yes, I will always have my flaws, and I will always be trying to fix them... but as long as I've given myself to Him... He delights in me. Its so funny... I might not be good enough for my own standards... but I'm good enough for His. That sounds weird. Not that He has low standards, He just knows us better than we know ourselves. And when we mess up, or when we find a flaw in ourselves He's like "yeah, I've known that was there all along... I just showed it to you now for the purpose of you coming to Me, and resting in my arms instead of resting in your own strength."

Thats the beautiful image of the Father... rather than receiving a spanking every time we mess up, receiving mercy instead. And being in His embrace, staying there. Not getting up too quickly, not leaving Him when its convenient for us, but remaining with Him.

He's so good. :)

Up

so the past week and a half has been so hard. really. but the Lord is always faithful. always. even when my faith seemed to be decreasing.

He's been teaching me a lot lately. For my whole life, I have never really been a leader, I have had people lead me and tell me what to do. I never had the responsibility, partly I believe because I wasn't ready. Now I am. The Lord has been showing me that its my responsibility to be that person. To be the one that disciples. To really be the one that influences. So with this new responsibility, comes new requirements. And I'm totally okay with that, I just want to get closer and closer to Him. Not to say its easy, it hasn't been easy at all so far... but I feel His grace in my life like never before. 

I've already had to give some stuff up, but it was just fleshly stuff that my eyes were blinded to in the first place. I guess you could say I'm in the process of getting al this wickedness out of my heart. All those mean thoughts, I'm slowly becoming more and more aware of what is of the Lord and whats not.

I'm growing up I guess.

Me and Jill went to the Holocaust museum yesterday; its in the process of moving into a new building so it wasn't so huge and impressive, but it was so good and moving. I felt so insignificant and guilty. There was a quote that said something like "Evil doesn't happen because the evil people make it happen, it happens because none of the good people do anything about it." It was something like that...I don't remember exactly. But dang.

draw me away

God, I pray that through everything in my life, you would be glorified. That I do not need to strive to please these sons of man but only desire to please Your heart. God that You would grant me with your supernatural strength and wisdom to keep going and not loose heart. All I need is You. You have set everything out for me with a purpose in mind and You aren't leading me aimlessly! You are so good!!!! You have the best just waiting for me and You know my heart, You know whats going on in my head, You know my pain, You know exactly who I am and therefore you know exactly how I respond to every situation I am in. I have no need to fear. No need to get anxious, no need to be stressed. No need to worry.

But its hard.

never say never

my contacts are hurting my eyes... I'm not sure why.

I wish life came with an instruction manual... that would be nice right, or even a pause button.. that would be great.

I wish I had more to say than I do right now, I haven't written in a while. 

Its been a hard fight... but I've been through worse honestly. This isn't even that big of a deal, its just kind of being dragged out when I wish it would just end. And I could just rest.

How do you determine a true friend? Please, someone help me with this one. Friendship is never one sided... its not true friendship if it is. I honestly feel like all I do is provide advice for everyone and never get any in return... like I pour into you but you never give me anything back... and I'm left empty. Everyone has issues/problems/something going on... its just do you care enough to ask about it rather than just being selfish. I'm by no means perfect, I find myself doing selfish things on a daily basis... please God point it out to me when I am being selfish and just thinking about myself. 

Saturdays are rough. well, not always.... only when I work. I end up not socializing all day... running errands... cleaning etc. and then off to work. and back to my apartment. Saturdays are not exciting.

Please Jesus...

sleep

I AM SO FRUSTRATED! beyond belief really... okay, thats exaggerating a little bit.

I'm so tired. mainly physically tired. and I'm tired of my flesh, because it makes everything so much harder for me. I wish I could just go go go all the time and not have it affect me. but it does.

I wish that I didn't build myself up for something... even denying that I'm doing it... just to get let down. why do I do that? I know the Lords faithful and I don' need to plan my own silly timeline or pathway. I know nothing.

I just want to sleep. forever.

loving every minute of it

My mind has been all over the place lately. Well, I guess not technically all over the place... just kind of around the same subject. I feel like I'm going crazy. But the Lord is faithful. So faithful. Really. and He's keeping me sane, as usual. He keeps me tied together.... even though just wanting to know His plans is the thing thats making me become unglued. Brokenness. Its a never ending process. He loves, even though it may hurt sometimes. He is good all the time.

This will be short because I have the first Reg practice of the semester. haha please Lord, please... help us. 

He will. 

sister

I'm listening to Andrew Cherry right now. go look him up on myspace. support him. he's good. and he loves the Lord. and we went to high school together.

other news, I'm back in Dallas. and it feels so good. I ran a ton of errands today... and spent lots of money that needed to be spent on things I need. such as food. and prescriptions. and I'm going to go running. and hang out with Tasia later. and her British friend. what a good day :) thank the Lord! He is good!

my apartment is really hot right now, but the air conditioning isn't working right now. its December. I shouldn't need to use the air conditioning. I'm rambling.

I realized the past few days that I have alot of bitterness stored up in me. and even though I might have reason to be angry with some people, it doesn't give me a right to be.  it doesn't give me a right to imagine beating them up. haha. but really. even though I might have been wronged in the past I just have to get over it, and love them anyways. like, really love them. sometimes its so much easier to love people you don't even know rather than the people you do know. its so sad. well, its hard for me anyways. God doesn't want me to have all this stored up anger, thats not like Him. and if I'm striving to be made into His image, then being bitter isn't really an option. He's helping me with that right now, because I can't deeply forgive without His help. I have realized I'm not capable of doing ANYTHING without His help. He's my world.

I guess thats all for now. I'm glad to be back :)