Let's try this again.

I'm starting this thing over. So this is me. And these are a few things I love. I just turned 22... hence the giant cookie.

One of my favorite humans alive, Mr. Eric Sewing as a child model. Yes, my children will be forced into photoshoots like this one.

Documentary of documentaries. Spellbound.

my boy, Robby.

Not real.

Dad.

I lead worship with some great people at the most amazing youth camp in the nation, YFN.

This is my life. These are silly/real pictures. Maybe I'll get better at this.

Like Being Born Again

The Lord takes us on journeys.  Journeys to places that may seem familiar, but somehow always end differently than expected. Journeys to places we have never seen before, but in the end are almost comforting. Journeys always include the unexpected, much like the Lord.

I'm not really sure what He's doing all the time, in fact, I don't ever really understand it. Because everything is a journey, everywhere He takes us is a journey... every move we make in Him is something new and exciting. Every time we listen... every time we speak the word of God... every time we open up the Bible and read something through new eyes.... its a journey.

This shows the importance of really listening when He speaks. For if we fail to listen, we run the risk of  loosing track. Of loosing our way... far from Him. I can't do that. I won't do that. Its not an option.

it's all in your head

the truth is, I have to wake up every morning remembering to rely on the Lord and not on myself.

sometimes I wish it were easier.

I'm going to make everything in my life about Him. I need to be in love with Him, and only Him. 

I tried to write a little more on this one, but I couldn't. I have alot on my mind but I'm really not trying to focus on it, I've given it to the Lord! 

as for writing this blog... uhh better luck next time?

lovesick

so to be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about the term "lovesick" in reference to anyone other than the Lord. not saying I don't think its possible... I guess I'm just kind of unwilling right now to be super vulnerable. because I really think I do know what it means... and I guess thats scary.

The Lord has been so good to me. Really just bringing wisdom to me... not that I know it all, I don't, thats the thing... but He's been maturing me alot. its a hard process.

"All the other lovers fade away"

He's watching over me right now, being super gentle with me I feel like... because He hurts like I hurt. He knows what I'm going through, and He knows right now I just need Him. and He's here. always.

I'm really going through such a weird season, kind of learning to trust God again. because honestly, I kind of felt like He dragged me under a bus, when I know He didn't! my heart knows His intentions for me are always good, and I know there are lessons I need to learn from this... and I'm in the process of learning.  its just that I felt so prepared... so ready... so willing to listen to His words... and that He let me put myself in this situation. because I sought Him I sought Him I sought Him! it should be easy since I wanted His will, right?

I don't know.

so needless to say, I'm remembering who He is right now. really. and that His intentions for me are pure and lovely. and that I have no idea whats really going on right now because only He sees the big picture.

Jesus, I want to cling to you. like a daughter to her father. like a wife to her loving husband.

mystery

He loves to speak to us. To be the little faint whisper in the back of our minds, or to be the booming voice overshadowing everything else. Sometimes its easier when He's the booming voice... and thats very rare.

I'm now aware I'm not a child. Im not a teenager, I'm an adult. And I'm growing. I don't think we ever stop growing, as long as we allow the Lord to shift us and change us and shape us into the person He has called us to be, we're constantly changing. We should be constantly realizing our flaws and trying to change them; not in a negative way, but in a way of refining. Yes, at times its frustrating because we feel like we'll never be good enough... and in all honesty we won't ever be good enough... but the funny thing is, He just wants all of us, and then we're good enough for Him. So yes, I will always have my flaws, and I will always be trying to fix them... but as long as I've given myself to Him... He delights in me. Its so funny... I might not be good enough for my own standards... but I'm good enough for His. That sounds weird. Not that He has low standards, He just knows us better than we know ourselves. And when we mess up, or when we find a flaw in ourselves He's like "yeah, I've known that was there all along... I just showed it to you now for the purpose of you coming to Me, and resting in my arms instead of resting in your own strength."

Thats the beautiful image of the Father... rather than receiving a spanking every time we mess up, receiving mercy instead. And being in His embrace, staying there. Not getting up too quickly, not leaving Him when its convenient for us, but remaining with Him.

He's so good. :)

Up

so the past week and a half has been so hard. really. but the Lord is always faithful. always. even when my faith seemed to be decreasing.

He's been teaching me a lot lately. For my whole life, I have never really been a leader, I have had people lead me and tell me what to do. I never had the responsibility, partly I believe because I wasn't ready. Now I am. The Lord has been showing me that its my responsibility to be that person. To be the one that disciples. To really be the one that influences. So with this new responsibility, comes new requirements. And I'm totally okay with that, I just want to get closer and closer to Him. Not to say its easy, it hasn't been easy at all so far... but I feel His grace in my life like never before. 

I've already had to give some stuff up, but it was just fleshly stuff that my eyes were blinded to in the first place. I guess you could say I'm in the process of getting al this wickedness out of my heart. All those mean thoughts, I'm slowly becoming more and more aware of what is of the Lord and whats not.

I'm growing up I guess.

Me and Jill went to the Holocaust museum yesterday; its in the process of moving into a new building so it wasn't so huge and impressive, but it was so good and moving. I felt so insignificant and guilty. There was a quote that said something like "Evil doesn't happen because the evil people make it happen, it happens because none of the good people do anything about it." It was something like that...I don't remember exactly. But dang.

draw me away

God, I pray that through everything in my life, you would be glorified. That I do not need to strive to please these sons of man but only desire to please Your heart. God that You would grant me with your supernatural strength and wisdom to keep going and not loose heart. All I need is You. You have set everything out for me with a purpose in mind and You aren't leading me aimlessly! You are so good!!!! You have the best just waiting for me and You know my heart, You know whats going on in my head, You know my pain, You know exactly who I am and therefore you know exactly how I respond to every situation I am in. I have no need to fear. No need to get anxious, no need to be stressed. No need to worry.

But its hard.

never say never

my contacts are hurting my eyes... I'm not sure why.

I wish life came with an instruction manual... that would be nice right, or even a pause button.. that would be great.

I wish I had more to say than I do right now, I haven't written in a while. 

Its been a hard fight... but I've been through worse honestly. This isn't even that big of a deal, its just kind of being dragged out when I wish it would just end. And I could just rest.

How do you determine a true friend? Please, someone help me with this one. Friendship is never one sided... its not true friendship if it is. I honestly feel like all I do is provide advice for everyone and never get any in return... like I pour into you but you never give me anything back... and I'm left empty. Everyone has issues/problems/something going on... its just do you care enough to ask about it rather than just being selfish. I'm by no means perfect, I find myself doing selfish things on a daily basis... please God point it out to me when I am being selfish and just thinking about myself. 

Saturdays are rough. well, not always.... only when I work. I end up not socializing all day... running errands... cleaning etc. and then off to work. and back to my apartment. Saturdays are not exciting.

Please Jesus...

sleep

I AM SO FRUSTRATED! beyond belief really... okay, thats exaggerating a little bit.

I'm so tired. mainly physically tired. and I'm tired of my flesh, because it makes everything so much harder for me. I wish I could just go go go all the time and not have it affect me. but it does.

I wish that I didn't build myself up for something... even denying that I'm doing it... just to get let down. why do I do that? I know the Lords faithful and I don' need to plan my own silly timeline or pathway. I know nothing.

I just want to sleep. forever.

loving every minute of it

My mind has been all over the place lately. Well, I guess not technically all over the place... just kind of around the same subject. I feel like I'm going crazy. But the Lord is faithful. So faithful. Really. and He's keeping me sane, as usual. He keeps me tied together.... even though just wanting to know His plans is the thing thats making me become unglued. Brokenness. Its a never ending process. He loves, even though it may hurt sometimes. He is good all the time.

This will be short because I have the first Reg practice of the semester. haha please Lord, please... help us. 

He will. 

sister

I'm listening to Andrew Cherry right now. go look him up on myspace. support him. he's good. and he loves the Lord. and we went to high school together.

other news, I'm back in Dallas. and it feels so good. I ran a ton of errands today... and spent lots of money that needed to be spent on things I need. such as food. and prescriptions. and I'm going to go running. and hang out with Tasia later. and her British friend. what a good day :) thank the Lord! He is good!

my apartment is really hot right now, but the air conditioning isn't working right now. its December. I shouldn't need to use the air conditioning. I'm rambling.

I realized the past few days that I have alot of bitterness stored up in me. and even though I might have reason to be angry with some people, it doesn't give me a right to be.  it doesn't give me a right to imagine beating them up. haha. but really. even though I might have been wronged in the past I just have to get over it, and love them anyways. like, really love them. sometimes its so much easier to love people you don't even know rather than the people you do know. its so sad. well, its hard for me anyways. God doesn't want me to have all this stored up anger, thats not like Him. and if I'm striving to be made into His image, then being bitter isn't really an option. He's helping me with that right now, because I can't deeply forgive without His help. I have realized I'm not capable of doing ANYTHING without His help. He's my world.

I guess thats all for now. I'm glad to be back :)

big machine

I have no idea what He's doing right now... no idea. and I'm going crazy.
I really had no clue it would be like this... ever. this wasn't expected... at all.
theres so much going on around me... but I feel like everything is passing me by while I'm in a standstill. I'm just watching.

it was never supposed to be like this. was it?

Really Christmas

I hope as I write this I find everyone in good spirits because of the holiday season... it's Christmas Eve tomorrow, after all.
I find that getting stressed about everything on my mind doesn't help at all; so its all the Lords! yep, all of it. even the fact that my phone is completely spazzing right now... yep, its His!
even though I keep having to give it to Him every day... rather than once and for all. man... well, at leats I'm trying. He loves me just the same.
this acid reflux is really kicking my butt... I've been sick the past few days. maybe I should actually stop eating acid-y foods... hmm... what a concept.
I miss everyone in Dallas... and I actually miss Dallas! but home actually isn't too bad; I'm more content now then ever before with just relaxing... after all, my parents have a Wii now so its Super Mario Galaxy all the way!
I'm going running tomorrow... just thought I would remind myself by actually putting it on here so I won't "forget".
I want to sing. loud. but I'll be content to dancing to the Jo Bros. yeah... I just said that.
I'm not sure exactly what else I want to say except that I'm so thankful for all that the Lord ahs given me, He is so good. so loving, so pure! so righteous, so gracefull, so beautiful! He's everything good and He sings over me every morning when I wake :) thats so awesome to know!
me and Ashlee watched the Nativity tonight... it was beautiful. all that for a child... for a Saviour. its so worth it!

Home

Home.

when you leave, its always hard to go back.

and its even harder when you've established another home elsewhere.

then... well, then its just your parents house.

this is where I am right now. sitting in my room.. in my parents house in North Carolina. wanting to go back to Texas. funny thing.

these next three weeks are going to be the hardest three weeks I've had since... well, I was home last. I'm stating it right here right now... declaring to all of the blogging world... that I am never coming back to North Carolina for over a week every again. sorry mom and dad. love ya.

the funny thing is there are so many songs I could listen to right now to make me even more depressed, but I'm listening to worship music.. so I don't get depressed. its working.

I need Him. every day. every minute. when I'm sleeping. when I'm sitting in my room blogging on the internet that shouldn't be working. and that just stopped working.

I need Him. my Savior. the One I love, who loves me back. the One who cares about me. the One who brought real people into my life that care about me as well.

the One who saved my soul from hell. because technically... thats where I belong. so do you.

He's great!

do you need more evidence? okay, got it for ya.

so those 20 songs due to PJC... yeah, they're done. recording scratch tracks and all. lyric sheets and chord charts... everything. the Lord is so faithful!!! He just gave us all these songs the last few days even... and I can see that He has His own plan for this cd project... which I'm all for. Praise Him!

Christmas in Texas

I'm obviously not at school right now. 

It snowed last night.

And I buy lame Christmas presents.

just a few facts I thought I'd share.

so the African Childrens Choir came to lecture the other day... and I cried. it was honestly one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. thats really all I can say about that. other than, I'm going to Africa one day soon... or me and Mike are going to travel with them for 15 months and read them bedtime stories... its true! you can actually do that.

the Lord is so good. He's so good even when you feel like you can't hear Him.. even when you feel like He is silent, and He may be silent. but He always knows whats good for you and He always knows whats going on even when you don't have a clue. I love that. but at the same time honestly, I just want to be in the loop.. I want to know whats going through His mind. but really we all want to know that.

on Sunday at church the little children sang a song called "Christmas in Texas".

I just want to point out that there is no song called "Christmas in North Carolina"

only in Texas...

so I just took two of the easiest exams that I've taken in a while.

Intro to music I almost had an anxiety attack for some reason though... I think it was so easy that I started psyching myself out though.. and I had my head in my hands and was breathing heavily. haha

after I finished early, me, Cameron and Ashley went to the gas station to get coffee.. however, I was the only one who got coffee. and we proceeded with sitting in my car listening to Coldplay while studying for more not-real exams.

Christian Counseling- I'm just going to say one thing. all the words in the word bank were in the order of the answers.

joke??

so it's been pretty hard to keep my eyes on the Lord these past two days... I've been trying though! its so dumb because my mind just goes everywhere and then I'm like no! I'm only supposed to be focused on Him! thats all I want, He's all I need... :)

listening to Taylor Swift doesn't help. she's such a silly girl, how many people has she been in love with?!  13... the number of tracks on her cd.

I love that I have such talented friends; because I just listen to their stuff and basically nothing else all the time. other than Taylor Swift.

oh no! I have to stop that..

last night me, Manny, Carlos and Eric were watching Cloverfield... I hate that movie. I get so sick. I had my head under the blankets the whole time basically... so I wouldn't throw up. I left early too, I couldn't handle it. we went with Aamie and Jamie to eat Razoos earlier that night... not a good idea for me considering its Cajun food and technically off limits for me... but I took my medicine so it wasn't too bad.

I'm going to go back to class. 

THE AFRICAN CHILDREN'S CHOIR IS HERE! I'm so excited!!

Love Story and Tattoos

I'm listening to Taylor Swift. how embarrassing!

and I was dancing with my roommates. I love Victoria.

so today Mike Massa talked about tattoos. I really respect him, so I actually listened to what he had to say. i guess i knew that tattoos originated from pagan practices already... but me and Jill were talking about it and honestly theres so much that we do today that stems from pagan practices. Like shaving your head... trimming your beard... the steeples on churches... gauging your ears... just a few examples. 

"we were born and bred in Babylon"

the thing is we have been living in this society where the Levitical law is broken every day, and its just normal to EVERYONE. 

Jill and I decided that it just stems down to a heart issue. you need to make sure you know what your doing when you go get a tattoo; you need to make sure you know WHO is marking your body... because otherwise your opening the door to so much junk... like, when I get my tattoo, I'm going to go to one of the guys at DBC. and we'll pray together over my tattoo and prepare myself for being forever marked for the Lord. because... I'm not getting a tattoo because it looks cool.

does that make any sense? I don't know... thats just how I feel.

because Mike Massa made me think. really. and I wasn't going to just shut him out because I know he is a man of God and I'm glad that I actually have a class I learn something in every time.

theres a billion crazy girls in my room right now. like.. really crazy. Karolina is teaching us Polish... it sounds like speaking in tongues.

its because she's international.

haha... 

anywho... I've had a hard time being nice lately! and I'm not happy with myself about it. I don't know whats happened to me! I had a little sarcasm fight with someone the other day... and felt awful afterwards. I still haven't seen him to apologize. tomorrow it is.

I'm going to check out now. I need to clean my apartment.

see ya.

so on Monday I was starting to get pretty discouraged about having 20 original songs due to PJC before we all get out on break... (which is the 12th...) 

we had a tone of fast songs, but worship songs were harder to come by seeing as really the only one we had was written by me and Monika... and now everyone expected me to puke out all these amazingly powerful love ballads to the Lord when I had nothing...

but honestly, yesterday and today, the Lord has just given me so much! I mean, I wrote two songs yesterday... or basically two ideas. and Monika has been flooded with them as well. In our 3 hour band practice today; we successfully wrote 3 full songs that are good enough the make it on the recording.

the Lord gave me lyrics during worship in chapel yesterday morning, and then today during practice He gave me a really awesome melody to go with it! me, Kristian and Aaron spent some time working out some kinks but... its so from the Lord so its going to be awesome!

its like an indie worship song... haha... but really. very unique.

its just that... I really feel confident in the Lord right now. and its been so hard for me this past semester to just see all the good God has given me because it has seemed like the bad has out-shined the good, but thats just no the case. yeah, life isn't perfect... but God is. and as long as I stick with Him, He'll take me far :)

I do know that this means I'll be dealing with some stuff again soon... but I'm okay with that. Because your always purified when you come out of the flames. 

flames= home for Christmas break

.............

and another thing.... mind games. the games my mind plays on me never seem to stop! and I'm constantly trying to convince myself that its not true... but, I don't succeed most of the time. this is why I'm crazy. 

I cant thank You enough

wow... it seems lately I've been writing alot... but really not about anything that matters much.

where has the Lord been these past few days? its like I've put Him in the back of my mind while trying to convince myself I wasn't doing that at all...

and the truth is... He's just waiting on me. as usual. to stop being a jerk.

I love that no matter how many times I have heard the song A Little Longer by Brian and Jenn Johnson... it never gets old. ever. because I feel like it displays the heart of the Father so well.... He just wants my attention, He just wants me close to Him. after all, He is jealous for me. I don't think that reality has actually hit me yet...

"You don't have to do a thing, just simply be with Me and let those things go, they can wait another minute. Wait, this moment is too sweet, would you please stay here with Me and love on Me a little longer because I'm in love with you."

daaannnggg.... thats what He wants from me! oh how I want to love on Him a little longer... He's so intimate!

geez... man I love Him sooooo much!!!! He is sooo good!!!! I'm probably going to start dancing around my apartment right now... but honestly I'm scared Victoria and the gang (Kristina and Karolina) will come in and catch me.... I look funny enough as it is.

I have made a commitment. that I will sing throughout it all... that I will give thanks to You no matter what happens. no matter what happens!! I will rely on You instead of relying on all my anxieties... goodbye acid reflux!! haha... but really! You are my joy!! my song!! my lover!!

He's good :)

Purple Toes

I guess I'll take this time to tell you about my Thanksgiving. Me and Lori made delicious food and all the boys ate it up. We watched Seth play guitar hero and gears of war... the loads of blood and all. what a nice thing to be thankful for.

I also went and saw the movie "Australia" with some friends and enjoyed it very much, no matter how long it was.

Tonight I painted my toenails purple. and I can't stop looking at them... because I hate them so much. but I'm trying to see how long I can stand it...

I don't really have much to say, even though I have a lot on my mind. I don't really want to share it I guess...sorry about that. don't feel too depressed.